october thoughts.

this is my first post in october. i am seriously slacking on this whole blogging business.

i've wanted to blog for a while but i didn't know how to say everything without sounding selfish and self-absorbed. but i guess that's what a blog is for--to jot down your thoughts, your misgivings, your issues and problems with L I F E.

for the past six weeks, i've been sick. not horribly ill with the fever and the chills, but i've had this phleghmy cough that just won't go away. i had a sore throat for about one of those weeks. and on top of that, about two weeks ago, my ears plugged up and wouldn't pop. let me tell you: living in a muted world totally sucks. my ears slowly started to pop (and then plug up again instantly), but popping them was super painful. my ears were raw and not used to sound....basically, i was agitated and in pain and still coughing and still semi-living in a muted world. thankfully, my ears are almost back to normal, and my cough isn't as bad. i'm not at 100% just yet, but i am at a better place than i was about a month ago.

i blame my sickness to a) my night shift, and b) the changing of seasons. let me address both.

my night shift.
i work monday through friday 5pm to 2am. i've gotten used to the schedule but working nights isn't easy on my body. i seriously hate that i wake up at 10:30-11:30am everyday (instead of the 6am i used to easily wake up to...) and i hate that my body won't shut down until about 3am every night. hence, i am fully awake and blogging at 12:30am.

but don't get me wrong - i am super thankful that i have a job. in fact, i got another gig with the same hours until march. my job got extended AND i have a 2.5 week break starting this wednesday. a break, my friends, is very exciting indeed.

so maybe my body doesn't like the night shift. i thought sleeping at least 8 to 10 hours every night for the past week would help me get over my sickness. so i did. i slept away those gorgeous LA mornings. i slept away that really rainy day last week. it helped, but it didn't heal. maybe something else is wrong with me...

the changing of seasons.
after experiencing some very ugly heatwaves recently, i can only appreciate fall more and more. i loved the three random rainy days we had last week, and i'm not always a fan of gloomy weather. but you protest: california doesn't have seasons! you are right, but i still feel it.

for the past two autumns, i have entered into very dry, anti-social, unmotivated funks.

and i hate it.

the funk i'm going through right now has lasted probably about two months already...another reason why my body probably won't heal. i want to be productive and motivated. i really do want to see people but i think i'm scared to. i want to be happy.

is this part of your mid-twenties? is this part of growing up? why is it so hard to stay motivated sometimes? why do i find so many things to complain about? i have so much to do. i don't want to waste time but i do...every single frickin' day.

did you process all of that? because i can't even process it all myself. word vomit.

i'm going on an east coast getaway this week...i want to come back refreshed, ready to tackle life head on again, and to appreciate what i do have. let's hope something changes because i'm tired of living this way.