that was my senior yearbook quote seven years ago.
now i'm 25 and lost. i've wasted a lot of days.
this is going to be the most self-indulgent blog post. i apologize in advance...
when people ask, "how are you?" it's so easy to quickly reply, "i'm good, how are you?"
"how are you?" is such a loaded question. i wish it was more like, "how's your day going?"
i'm not good. i'm not feeling well. not these days at least.
i have zero motivation to do anything.
i hate my job but i don't know what and where to go next.
i've wasted entire days just worrying.
do i change my career?
what are my hobbies?
why am i such a boring person?
who are my friends?
why do i complain so much when this is all better than i deserve?
my mid-twenties have made me think about everything.
i want to scream, "but i don't want to!"
my heart wants to burst out of my chest most days.
i want to sleep early so i can turn off my brain. i want to sleep more in the mornings so i can turn off my brain.
i am feeling so much inner turmoil. i get into my thoughts and i can't seem to get out.
why am i basing my identity on my career? it should and has to be Jesus + NOTHING.
i feel stuck. lost. unmotivated. mean. anxious. sad. depressed. scared of people. scared of myself.
scared of everything.
not at peace.
not leaning on God.
not believing in His sovereignty.
trying to mentally take control of things i can't take control of.
so what do i do? physically nothing. mentally? overanalyze everything.
not at peace. anxious.
me me me.
i've been selfish and self-centered in this depression. hermitdom. Seasonal Affective Disorder.
i don't even want to talk about what i'm going through because i don't want people to be sad around me.
i didn't even want to publish this blog post because i'm afraid of what people think of me (dumb? i know.)
just 2 blog entries ago, i wanted everyday to be an opportunity to make others happier.
and i still do. but how quick and fickle the human heart is because it forgets.
prone to wander, Lord i feel it.
my life lately has been a huge pity party.
yesterday i asked for humility. i was reminded of humility yesterday.
i've listened to our pastor's friendship sermon once a year for the past 3 yrs,
and arrogantly thought "i've heard this before. why do i have to hear it again?"
it's in those moments of "heard this, done that" that we need to be reminded most.
reminded of the gospel. i've been shown and given a friend in Jesus..
why can't i believe it? why can't i apply it to my life?
i've become more jaded and pessimistic as i grow older. i don't want to be. i was determined not to be.
i guess i'm not as optimistic as i thought i was.
i think it's in my busiest periods in life that i forget to be sad. when i'm given this downtime to think, i just think around in circles.
am i happiest when i have constant things to do?
people have reached out to me. my mom and sister have told me i'm too young to give up.
i have friends praying for endurance. for peace. for wisdom. for direction.
i am so grateful.
i want to be content. i already know the answer.
but why do i remain in this sad, sad, state?
how do you take that first step?
i'm already three years out of college and i still dunno how to live without routine.
shouldn't i be excited that life throws twists and turns at me?
is it normal to feel all of this?
what is up with this year?
sigh. i need to shut up and tell myself:
Jesus first.
Others second.
You last.
humility. Lord, humble me.
waiting.
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